The 4 S’s of Showing Up
I’m doing a lot of research right now into being present in parenting, specifically as a way of practicing the Presence of God. My wife and I are really torn up by our lack of Christianity when it comes to parenting. This makes parenting the perfect place to confront my always-future-looking habit of anticipation which is the focus of my current fast.
One framework that is helping is Daniel Siegel’s 4 S’s of Showing Up:
Safety
- Parent protects your child from outward harm.
- The parent tries their best not to be the source of fear or disorientation.
Seen
- Parent sees the child’s mind (mindsight): the inner subjective experience.
- The parent puts language to what they observe in the child (reflective dialogs).
Soothed
- Parent is open and accepting to the full spectrum of what the child is feeling to say, “whatever you feel is ok.”
- The parent stays connected until the child’s physicality says it really is ok. This internalizes compassion.
Security
- The child has internalized a mental model or schema that believes itself secure, knowing that problems and situations can be repaired.
- The child has resilience and relational connection because they believe they can share themselves and work with others.
Here’s a podcast where Daniel explains the 4 S’s and the science behind it:
A good summary of the research called The Verdict is In (PDF) is available from Daniel Siegel’s website.
